Tag Archives: darkness inside

shaken – not stirred

light is gone
nimble fingers of darkness
chase its rushed retreat
leaving me

     no will
     no hope
     no breath
     no life

drenched in tears
and i am
stripped to the bone
peeled back
the layers of

     my mask
     my childhood
     my insecurities

     my love….

and all of the other waste
rises to the surface
waiting to be sloughed off
detritus of my soul

shaken – not stirred

~h

© 2016 findfocus.wordpress.com, Heather M. Tolley, All Rights Reserved

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thoughts from the darkness

Do you ever feel alone?  Like no one understands you or knows you – the real you – that lives deep inside?  I’m a fairly open person – easy to read… but some days I wear a public face.  Wearing a ‘mask’ is not my default.  In fact, it’s not a normal occurrence at all.  Sometimes it just happens due to a certain set of circumstances or situation.  It could be that I need to appear calm when my mind is racing, or hiding pain when my physical body is having a bad day… being polite when I don’t feel very social.  Sometimes, I’m so very ashamed to admit, it’s a mask of kindness when I’m feeling selfish or my heart isn’t cooperating and being charitable like it should.  (Of all of them, I’m glad that mask doesn’t slip on very often.  Or easily.)

Lately, however, I’ve worn a mask because I’ve felt alone.  I try to make it seem like I’m engaged and 100% in every moment, but there are times when it’s the opposite of what’s going on inside.  Like I’m watching myself participate in life without knowing where I belong.  Perhaps it’s because I’m still unemployed and wondering how I’m supposed to contribute to our household without a job.  Maybe it’s because there are goals my husband wants to reach – buying a house – and I feel I disappoint him because my lay-off is such a setback to realizing that dream.  Wanting to do something with my creative side and facing insecurities that tell me it won’t happen because I lack talent or skills… feeling guilty when I can’t physically do things that once were easy for me… It could be something as simple as being at home alone too much.  Whatever the reason, there are days that I feel I could stand in the middle of a busy sidewalk and scream at the top of my lungs without anyone noticing.  That my words bounce off everyone’s ears and my voice has become lost in a dark wilderness.  Or worse – I have no voice at all.

Once I was afraid people wouldn’t like me if they knew what I was really like on the inside… some days I feel like that’s impossible because no one sees me at all – good or bad.  Am I the only one?  Have you ever felt like no one understands or sees you?  That you’re trying to communicate from a void?  Sending smoke signals up in the middle of a hurricane?  Finding yourself lost in static darkness is a lonely thing.  I pray that light will soon come pouring back in… for us all.

passing storm cloud photo sun rays photograph sunlight after rain
Sunshine returns after the storm...
sunlight through clouds photography god rays gray clouds after storm
Rays of sunlight filter through the clouds after the rain~

I wish you sunshine after every storm~
heather