I’d like to say this will be an interesting and articulate blog post, but the truth of the matter is that I’m really struggling this morning and may not be able to correctly string words together into sentences. The cognitive disaster known to many as ‘Fibro Fog’ has been my nemesis this morning and it’s not showing any signs of retreat. Last week was difficult because of physical discomfort – nerve pain was off the charts a few times, a couple of days when I walked it felt like there were shards of glass in the bottoms of my shoes (when I even put shoes on), and a couple of days ago was exhaustion and fatigue laden…. Apparently today is “battle for the brain” and I’m the contestant.
Let me just say what’s bothering me and move on – I was trying to do some household/bill related items about 30 minutes ago and I couldn’t remember my social security number. That is the lowest the fog has made me feel. (Of course, just making that statement is relying on me to remember a time that it has been worse… and since I’ve just proven that my memory is off-the-charts bad today, I’m not exactly trustworthy. *sigh*) After being unable to recall more than the first three numbers and that there might be a ’4′ or a ’5′ somewhere in the remaining digits, I was stumped. Absolutely and completely stumped. I immediately burst into tears and now want to go back to bed and lay there under the blanket until my mind has returned from its sojourn in la-la land. (It seems I’m not struggling with word recall today – that was Saturday during my fight through fatigue.)
I’m ashamed. Embarrassed, humiliated. All of those icky words that make you want to duck your head and avoid eye contact. Luckily my husband was the only one to witness the demise of my memory and seeming departure of my intellect, however, he quickly became uncomfortable with the force of my sobs and went back to doing some work around the house. I can’t really blame him, but sometimes it’s easy to want to lash out because of his obliviousness to the terror I feel and the overwhelming sense of dread that surrounds me like a cloud. Questions swarm to the forefront of where my mind used to be – Am I going crazy? What if this never gets better? How long will the fog last this time? What if it doesn’t go away? It’s not his fault that he doesn’t understand – I’m actually glad he has no idea what this feels like! But of all the things that fibro and ME/CFS are stealing from me, this is one of the worst!
There’s no real point to this post except to offer empathy and understanding to the people out there that DO know what I’m talking about. That have a real fear that they wouldn’t be able to tell someone their phone number if caught at the wrong time. The people who take precautions so that if they’re asked for their home address they’ll have some sort of back-up in case they don’t know where they live… It’s horrible and scary and humiliating… and I understand.
much love & support,
Go watch the video on this great post & read some other views:
- Fibro Fog (the brain stealing part of Fibromyalgia) (dailylifewithfibromyalgia.com)
- Fibro, Fatigue, and Fog (katiescontemplations.wordpress.com)
- Fibro Fog (backwards222.com)